1. Fail to notice the large numbers of shops selling unhealthy foods in close vicinity to the school.
2. Ban unhealthy foods from the school.
3. Make the new, healthier food more expensive and as tasteless as the original.
4. Fail to detect the black market in unhealthy food being operated by sixth-formers who are allowed to leave during break and lunch (see 1.)
5. Scratch head, wondering why students are becoming more unhealthy than ever.

“Brussels: That place where all the sprouts come from”
On Google Earth: “look at Lille’s infrastructure- It has an amazing rail system. . .Wait a minute, that’s a river…”
“The media, all it does is bite nature and then blow things up”
“Soon, in Australia, Teachers like me won’t be needed. They’ll have robots, and things on the screen that bounce around”
“Eventually, we’ll be so dependent on computers that their mice will be fused to our hands”
“The Sun and The star are newspapers. . .allegedly!”
“ATMs are NOT just holes in the wall that give you money- you can’t just go up to one and get money to buy a hot banana*. You need insurance, and that’s where Pearl Assurance comes in.”

link to original

Summary

Less tax; more tax; less education, lest the lower classes gain ideas of their own; abolition of the welfare state; return of autotheocracy with monarchical and peer dominance; deregulated police state.

Economy

Deregulation of corporations with intelligent government intervention to lead to a fair and prosperous stock portfolio.

Taxation

Abolition of capital gain, inheritance and stamp duty. Reduced income tax, taxing only above £10k/a. Rates decreased for wealthiest to 20%. Increase in VAT and consumption tax: those who buy food will have a higher tax bill.

Education

Less spending on education. Abolition of city academies. More specialisms; existing vocational qualifications kept.
Coursework will be abolished for A-level and GCSE with exception to the arts. University places cut by 75% and applicants selected at the university’s discretion. Abolition of top-up fees.

State Benefit

First two months’ unemployment benefit increased to above minimum wage, halved subsequently. State pension decreased after one year to finance further benefit. This is to encourage people to keep jobs for a very short amount of time between bi-monthly periods of leeching.

Constitution

Legislation enforcing European Convention on Human Rights abolished and replaced with local constitution. The monarchy will receive the ability to veto legislation, and retain posts of Head of State and Head of the Church of England. The monarchy are not an expensive embarrassment to the nation.

Foreign Policy

Decision to ignore EU Directives will be voted on in Westminster. Withdrawal will be threatened if this is challenged. The Euro will not be adopted as the Bank of England works only for the superior economy of Great Britain and not that of e.g. Germany.

Democratic Abolition

The House of Lords will be increased with more hereditary peers created by the monarchy. Having a second house present is an important function of British democracy and it is important that they should not be democratically elected.
Parish councils will be abolished, with regional functions being dealt with by town councils.
The Commission for Racial Equality will be abolished unless it wishes to become a private organisation.
Ministers will be able to claim expenses only up to £100,000 according to their post.
Parties will remain privately owned.

Defense

The Nucular Non-Proliferation Treaty will be ignored by increasing the arsenal. The government will spend more money on conventional warfare also. New technology allows the British armed forces to be the most admirable killers in the world.

Policing

The police will be given complete autonomy and a 10x budget increase. More police will be allocated to the streets, surveillance will double, and paperwork will be abolished.

Cast your votes please. Agree or not?

“But you know UKIP, they’re just a load of right wing nutters….”
(the “black kettle” hypothesis)

“A vicious circle is basically, a circle -with teeth!”
(does not warrant dignification by response)

“Kids your age in Wales have nothing to do, so they start doing drugs, and banging around”
(the “white stick” theorem)

“If I go shopping I have to remember what I want, I usually forget two things”
(the “or is it three?” concept)

“I don’t like my bread with things that look like mouse droppings in it”
(extract from the “join the club” textbook)

“Someone deleted my slideshow, I had to spend an entire night improving it.”
(copyright Noe Shitt-Sherlock)

“Slovakia is filled with mountains, trees, and also dead sheep”
(reproduced from “National Stereotypes in Short” with permission)

“Now this area is called Europe’s hot banana, although i personally like to call it the hot sausage”
(from the “Patronising Humour for Beginners” OAPs’ pamphlet)

• Pool table
• Upper floor
• Coats
• Lighting
• Chairs
• Right leg
• Sense of sight
• Doors
• Chairs
• Freedom of speech
• Freedom of movement
• Freedom from epileptic fits
• Oxygen
• Cardiac function

A-Levels are extremely profitable to DHSB, but the problem is that the Sixth Form Centre™ (DHSB’s sixth-form storage unit) is currently such a pile of rubbish that new students are positively repelled by its poor architectural and aesthetic design, structural instability and lateness of construction.

In order to correct this, the centre will be made more attractive with the installation of 50% more concealed mood-lighting, a 60% reduction in non-flashing neon, forty more metal bars and a Healthy Eating™ salad bar. There will also be a very expensive leaflet campaign calling for donations in order to offset the cost. Year 7 is already hard at work on its design.

Before these modifications can be installed, students are asked to be patient and to obey the motivational and social-engineering posters recently appended to the walls in E Hall - for instance, Tidy Hall Warm Sixth-Formers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Any ideas as to how to inexpensively convert the unstable Stage™ into something resembling a sculpture or indeed anything at all that doesn’t look like an expensive failure of a stage will be rewarded with special privileges such as the right to wear coats during break.

And remember, five hundred thousand pounds of taxpayers’ money is as nothing compared to the image of the school and the depth of the pile of the carpet in the Headmaster’s office!

Heil Pettit!
This message officially sanctioned by the Social Engineering Dept.